Regardless of my Undying Perfectionism, The Spark Never Seems to Burn Out
For months I’ve been contemplating what the first upload to this blog should be about, trying to think of the ‘perfect’ topic to address and kickstart this project. I realise now I wasted all that time trying to come up with something that does not exist. The image of perfection is only visible in its final form within the walls of my mind, it does not print into reality no matter how precise I try to be with the words I type out. I’m a firm believer in investing in your passions, putting time into creative endeavours that give you a rush of intensity that feels like ecstasy. However, just like a believer of anything, I tend to fail in upholding the pillars of the same belief system that I know in my core will uplift me in ways my lack of effort can never match. Procrastination provides only a short rush of relaxation in the avoidance of priority. Although I’ve harboured quite the toxic reliance on this self-destructive phenomenon, it feels almost disrespectful to myself to keep on feeding into the temporary relief it provides, in avoiding the necessary tasks I need to take over and complete in order to grow and flourish as an individual in this ever growing society.
My main source of distraction is one I’m certain almost everyone reading this can relate to, and that is social media. More specifically, and embarrassingly, TikTok. Now I can’t exactly tarnish the app when I spend most of my time on it, but I can definitely talk about the impact it has had on me and my lack of investing in my creativity and personal goals. Can I blame it for being my go-to distraction from the life I am currently living? No. In fact I’m almost glad that I decided to follow this route of brain rot rather than continuing down the lane of substance abuse, but that will be a discussion for another entry one day. I spent the majority of the past year working on this blog piece by piece, building it from scratch then breaking it down and starting over and over again. Nothing I created satisfied the perfectionist in me. Each time I decided I failed, I’d wallow in self-loathing and seek isolation online, craving the life of strangers on the internet. Every video I watched as I scrolled through my feed deepened the void growing denser within my psyche, swallowing the ideas I deemed unworthy. Truth is, everything I seem to think may be ‘good enough’ ends up being discarded, and eventually I allow my insecurities to decide that it is no longer worth my time to continue, and I accept that it does not fit the unrealistic standards I uphold for myself. Ironically, I tend to preach self-love and kindness to those I care for but ultimately lack in providing that comfort to the person that unwillingly needs it the most, letting myself down once more. It is a seemingly unbreakable cycle I comfortably submit to but hate to see others struggling with.
A year and 1 month ago I was in a position in my life that made me quite unhappy. I found temporary satisfaction in submitting to the laziness I desperately craved to indulge in, regardless of the nagging feeling within that begged me to have some faith in the potential I believe I have. This blog has been a project in the making for quite some time, and in November of 2023 I made myself a promise I did not keep, which was publishing Sefer and putting myself out there. I hoped to prevail against the procrastination and feeling of unworthiness. Instead, I kept on putting it off and in turn, I let myself down in worse ways than anyone else has. Once I came to this realisation, I did nothing about it but submit to my pity and self-inflicted sorrow.
I wrote a few pieces and decided again that they were not good enough and sought comfort in mindless scrolling and maladaptive daydreaming of a life I was doing nothing to obtain. In the meantime, while going through this, I spent 40 hours a week working a retail job that has successfully aided in condensing my creativity and willingness to grow, as well as slowly erasing who I think I am as a person. I guess this can sound quite dramatic to some, but I trust that anyone who has worked in retail can find some relatability in what I am trying to convey. It can be quite difficult to focus on hobbies that fuel your passion with fire when your spark keeps on getting blown out, especially when 7 hours a day 5 times a week you leave the work premises feeling more mentally and physically drained than you did the day before. On my days off I end up doing nothing productive, even though deep down I know that if I put an ounce of effort into anything that makes me happy, I will slowly start to feel like myself again. Instead, as soon as my eyes open I lay in bed for hours scrolling my morning away, and continue doing exactly that in intervals throughout the rest of my day. The lack of self-discipline I have at this age makes me question all of the decisions I have made that led me to where I am today. 1 month away from turning 23, working an exhausting and dead-end job for the past 2 years, doing absolutely nothing with the degree I struggled to obtain.
Putting aside everything I just typed out, I’ve decided that I’d be doing myself a great injustice if I were to abandon this project any longer than I already have. The thought of putting myself out there terrifies me, it makes me want to hide behind the fear that has controlled my decisions and lack of action towards something that ignites the burnt out flame that still glows within me. Regardless of the countless times it has been put out, this little flame always seems to re-ignite against all odds, giving me at least that to believe in. So, as a means to amend the broken promise I made to myself, this blog post will serve as my first step towards catering to my creativity rather than letting it die out slowly.
Thank you for reading this blurb of words I felt the need to type out, I look forward to the next one.
xxx
PS. The artwork displayed at the beginning is NOT mine, it belongs to artist Bahira Motaz Shaheen. You can find her on instagram @bahira_motaz.