“How Do We Overcome Our Obsession with Growth?”
I came across this question while scrolling through Pinterest and it got me thinking, probably more than it should have. Ironically, I found it as I was looking for art inspired by growth. Lately I’ve been in a tug of war combat in my mind, each side fighting for the last pull. I’m either doomed to always feel a looming sense of sadness creeping between the cracks of my subconscious, or I am destined to prevail against it. Truthfully, I pride myself on my consistency of winning the game of imbalanced emotions - eventually banishing the melancholic shadow that stalks me. However, as mentioned previously, the internal scrimmage I am trying to balance at the moment is an occurrence of familiarity. I may have a track record of overcoming my fluctuating desolation, but now it is time to start again. Reluctantly, I find myself back at the dreaded restart our lives inevitably go through - I find myself starting from zero.
My birthday was a few days ago, January 25 to be exact. I always considered ‘my’ day as a second new year, a chance to change the course of my life and navigate the next chapter in the direction of growth and learning. Over the past 5 years, my attempts at successfully steering my next steps towards these goals have been all but successful. It would be slightly demeaning to say that I have not evolved at all as a person, in fact I am quite proud of how much I have changed and managed to adapt to my surroundings. For the most part, there has been a significant spike in my self-confidence and positive inner dialoge over the years, but there always comes a time when the strength of the pillars holding up these growth factors are tested. They either withstand the pressure of my changing circumstances or they crash and burn, leaving me with the remnants of what was. The cycle of building up on the remains of your past strengths and creating a new foundation for more enhanced qualities to shine, can become quite exhausting. For me, it ties into the notion of starting from zero. You see, in my search for the almost perfect personal growth journey, I grew obsessed with the idea of growth itself. How does one come to realise that they have truly outgrown their past, and have genuinely morphed into an ‘improved’ version of themselves? How can we preach honesty amongst each other when most of us are ashamed to be honest with ourselves?
As a believer in the positivity of change, I find it so difficult to actually deal with it once its course of action begins. I feed myself white lies in order to settle the hunger for answers about what comes next, all while in search of the truths that scare me. My question is; why does the truth so easily frighten me, to the point of dishonesty with myself? What is the point in lying when deep down I already know the answers I am looking for?
When on the journey of growth, obsession with finding the perfect outcome is so easily accomplished - but it does not exist. Due to the overconsumption of social media and the overbearing new ‘trends’ on wellness and mental health, our perception of growth has become so commercialised. It is easier to follow a 10-step wellness routine by a stranger online than to look in the mirror and derive a practice specific for each individual. The idea of becoming a better person used to compulsively haunt me, mainly because I hated myself. So, instead of facing that ugly truth that I was so scared to admit, I indulged in fabricated lies I was sold through my screen in order to feel better about myself. What had to be done in order for me to truly love myself and grow at a healthy pace with an unclouded state of mind, was clear to me from the beginning. Instead, I chose to be dishonest and convince myself that if I do 1 2 and 3 it will result in 4 5 and 6. I never made it to 10, and just like always the cycle repeated itself, placing me back at zero. I am not entirely sure if my desire to grow moving forward stems from a place of clarity and honesty. What I do know, luckily, is that this year will be nothing like the past 5 that I have experienced. I was forced to succumb to the pressure I had put on myself to become better, and this time the remains of my old basis of growth will stay as they are.
No more picking up the pieces of what was and trying to mold them with the new. This year deserves a fresh foundation of core beliefs that allow room for new strengths, and space for an abundance of genuine self improvement and love. It is of great importance for me to focus on my mental health and physical wellbeing. Though these 2 factors have been my priority for years, there was no room for their progression within my obsession with growing without the acceptance of change. The harbouring of self-loathing has succeeded in nothing but holding back my freedom of expression and creativity. There are so many things to be grateful for, and the first step in accomplishing anything is to truly count my blessings. That way, being grounded becomes a natural priority and comfortability in the truth can blissfully emerge. There is no shame in starting over even though you’ve completed another chapter in your life. There is so much beauty in beginning to write a new story, and it starts with accepting the ending of your past and using it to create your future.
This post was inspired by the title of a blog post by author Cherise Lily Nana.
The artwork chosen for this entry is by artist Don Nace.
♡
Thank you for reading! I’ll catch you in the next one.
