Willingly Stuck 6 Feet Under

There is such a heavy feeling of self-pity that comes with feeling stuck in life, regardless of the circumstances you are living with. When life becomes a repetition of stagnant emotions with lack of consistency and excitement, it feels almost natural to welcome feelings of worthlessness and unhappiness. You develop an underlying sense of feeling undeserving of the good things that life can offer. Truthfully, I’ve found myself in this situation countless times in the past and it never gets easier when it comes back around. It is only after I dig myself out of the grave that I’m faced with the reality of just how deep I’ve allowed myself to rot underground, and truly understand just how easy it is to get comfortable being buried in dirt with no space to move. I guess it can seem quite dark to compare being 6 feet under to the idea of feeling stuck and lost in life, but I cannot think of a better analogy to justify how dreadful this feeling truly is. 

This may not be an easy topic to address, especially when speaking of it from a personal point of view, but it does not make it any less important than other areas of worry and stress that can be discussed. When facing challenges in terms of self-worth and feeling sorry for myself, it’s very difficult to swim up from the pool of worry I’m drowning in and take a proper breath of fresh air. Unknowingly, I familiarise myself with the pressure of being weighed down by stress and anxiety, and I become accepting of the lack of space I am trapped in. I say trapped because, regardless of the circumstances of the situation, I lack the initiative to get myself out from under and challenge my worries instead of letting them bury me.

Part of my reasons for starting Sefer is to create a safe outlet to write about life’s challenges that everyone faces but from the perspective of a stranger, i.e me, for other strangers to relate to and maybe gain a different insight on their situation. It is crucial for creatives to have their own space to create and connect, regardless of what that might be. The initiative with Sefer is simple; to be a relatable and comforting space for myself and others. It brings me so much joy to see my name and writing published on a website I built, and to know that a difference is being made one way or another. However, just like most things that bring me joy, I find consistency in action to be one of the toughest challenges to continuously face. This ties into the topic of this entry - feeling stuck - hence allowing for feelings like self-pity and worthlessness to swiftly waltz towards my self-confidence and dance around its fragility, slowly but surely dimming its prominence and influence. It can be so shameful to admit to such vulnerability, especially online. If we don’t learn to challenge the difficulties we have to face, then we may as well get comfortable in the graves we dig and ultimately decompose in. But, just as it is shameful to admit this on a personal level online for anyone to read, it is just as deplorable to trot down the road of allowing yourself to stay stuck and doing nothing about it. 

I can go on about the multiple difficulties I am facing in this current chapter of my life, but I see no substance in detailing negativity. Instead, I’d like to touch on the fact that feeling stuck, worthless, and having low self-esteem in your current situation - regardless of what it may be - is not always an issue of crippling harm with irreversible damages. Whenever I express these feelings to someone older and wiser than me, I am always met with a warm smile and a slight head shake. Although small and passing, the impact of these small gestures exceeds their delivery. It may be tiring to hear that things will not be this way forever and it is important to move forward with positivity, but as much as it is a pain to hear that ‘advice’ repeatedly, it could not be more truthful. It can make this annoying feeling of life being on pause, seem like one of the overlooked and necessary rites of passage in your twenties. Society and social media’s everchanging and strict expectations that we feel the need to meet can weigh heavy on our minds on top of the real-life issues we are facing, and if you really think about it - it is so unfair on ourselves to chase a reality that does not exist, ignoring the potential for growth that our current realities hold.

A new month is now in bloom, and although the day hides subliminals of the ones previous to this one, it is hard to ignore the hint of magic that comes with setting intentions and creating a plan for yourself. Just like new year resolutions, only more consistent. One way I look forward to battling the now tiring and irritating weight of feeling stuck and worthless is to slowly put more effort into doing the things that bring me pure joy. For example; investing in my creativity, practicing yoga more often, accepting rejection as redirection, and maybe giving myself a little slap in the face in moments of self-pity. Feeling sorry for yourself gets old and boring quite quickly, so there is no point in letting that become a norm in your everyday life, halting everything good coming your way. What a shame it is to be the main person stunting your own growth and dimming your own light.